We all struggle with self-esteem issues from time-to-time, but are your issues so extreme that they effect the choices you make in men or women? Have you ever dated someone who wasn’t right for you only because it made you feel better not to be alone? Don’t feel bad. It’s probably happened to everyone. So, what do you do about it?
It’s important to get it handled, because, if you don’t, you might marry someone who’s not right for you, end up married and, eventually become a divorcee. This is not acceptable. And it’s definitely more of an issue for women than most men. How can this interfere with having a great relationship with a man?
- You end up with men who are not able to give you what you really want; they’ll be unavailable in some way, whether they’re not completely done with an ex, they’re married to their work, they are emotionally damaged in some way, or they live too far away; and
- The fear of being rejected can bring out the absolute worst behaviors – which often lead to being rejected; controlling men or circumstances, being unable to be vulnerable and open with them, rejecting them first, or you end the relationship before they have the chance to reject you.
In order for the situation to improve, there are two areas that need focus:
- A decision needs to be made that you love and accept yourself as you are, and
- Any behaviors and habits that are not in alignment with that decision have to be changed.
It might sound too simple, but the fact is that you can make up your mind that you are worthy of love and acceptance, just as you are. It won’t “feel” like the truth, but it is. Whatever you tell yourself most often is what your mind adopts as true.
So, again, what do you do? You can’t try to plant a new belief that you are worthy of love and acceptance while behaving in ways that are contrary to that. You’ve got to have integrity between what you say, what you think, and what you do in order to move forward, toward feeling good about yourself.
Have you ever had this issue? What are some behaviors that you’ve consciously quit to improve your love life?
Remember all the things we used to do when courting someone? I watched Sixteen Candles this week and suddenly longed for the age of simple dating: calling someone hundreds of times and hanging up because you were nervous (of course before caller ID), passing notes in class, actually writing down your phone number and giving it to someone, showing up places you know that certain someone will be and “just happen” to bump into them. I miss all of that, and it got me thinking about what else has gone missing from the world of dating. Let’s reminisce, shall we?
1. Notes. If the first guy you had a major crush on in high school went to your school, it made tracking them down a whole lot easier. You’d see him on the bus. He’s compliment your shoes or something. After, you became smitten, so you wrote him a note that said, “I think you’re swell,” or “I like you.” Then you’d figure out his class schedule so you could “nonchalantly” run into him between classes and drop him the note. When it finally happened about three weeks later, you gave him the note and ran away.
2. The digits. People used to have landlines and talk on the phone. This seems unfathomable now considering most people prefer texting to actual voice-on-voice contact. After you gave the “I think you’re swell” note, or whatever embarrassing thing you had to do to make contact, your next step was the exchanging of phone numbers. So, this meant me visiting places where the guy hung out so you could make small talk with him until he asked for your phone number, which you likely had ready and waiting on a piece of paper in your back pocket.
3. Phone calls. With the exchanging of phone numbers came actual phone calls. This almost always happened before hanging out because you had to talk on the phone to make plans. This first phone call produced so much anxiety. What would you talk about? Would there be a weird awkward silence while he strummed on his guitar or would the conversation flow? More pressing: Who would pick up? Him? His brother? Or God forbid, the answering machine?
4. Answering machine messages. To leave or not to leave a message, that was the question. The answer largely depending on whether or not you knew if he had Caller ID. If you knew for sure he did, you had to leave a message because otherwise you’d seem like a weirdo stalker. If you didn’t know, you had to assume he did just to be safe. If he didn’t, you were in the clear to hangup and keep calling back obsessively until he picked up. If you are the type that gets nervous when an answering machine picks up, then the messages you left, no matter how many times you practiced, always came out sounding much lamer than you had intended.
5. Love letters. Love letters used to be written down and in paper form. Even better if they were folded into some crazy origami shape. Love mix tapes were acceptable, too. How long has it been since someone gave you a mix tape? I would LOVE to see that come back into style.
Anything I missed? Technology is great, but we must get back to true interaction with one another. No cell phones on dates. No texting for a second date, give that guy or gal an actual phone call. Well, one can dream anyway.