Need a Dating Cleanse for the New Year?
Here are some tips on how to make this year a better year for dating and achieve the goal of find that lasting relationship!
The hangover of the holidays is over and your New Year resolutions should be in force.
If you’re single, did you include resolutions about your love life? Have you thought about what you’d like to achieve in that category this year? Even if it is later January, you still have time to make changes in your life that will result in a better you.
This year, it would be wise to stop wasting precious time on people who don’t have your best interests in mind. Let’s hit the “refresh” button when it comes to your romantic pursuits! Take some time out to reflect on old experiences, evaluate your current situation, and see if you need to shift your thoughts and take action:
Are you ready to focus only on building a solid foundation in relationships?
Architects don’t design buildings just for the fun of it. Instead they make sure that their hard work will result in a beautiful skyscraper that has a solid foundation. That is the same mindset you need to have when it comes to dating. Put effort into relationships that you know could potentially result in a ring on your finger and a walk down the aisle. Even if you aren’t looking to get married, invest in someone who has all of the qualities that you desire in a life partner.
Let go of what no longer serves:
You may be holding on to a relationship that clearly has run its course, but are you still in it simply because you’ve gotten used to it? Do you feel stuck? Are you afraid to let go? Don’t resign to the fact that since “you’ve been together for so long” you should just stick with it; especially if you know deep down inside it’s not a good relationship for you and one you should definitely not be in moving forward into the future. Try to talk to friends and family for support. Make this year the year you need to change – and this relationship is one of the things that needs to end. Only when you break loose will you have the opportunity to meet someone of substance and build a life for yourself that will be something that you truly deserve.
It’s a Year of Emancipation!
This year should be YOUR year of emancipation! It’s time to cleanse your heart of the waste that your current romantic situations have clogged it with. Do whatever you have to do. Delete those numbers. Unfollow him/her on Twitter and Instagram. Cut off mutual friends. You don’t want to look back a year from now and be in the same predicament.
After you’ve gone through the Dating Cleanse – Here are some tips on what to do next:
Schedule time! Stop making excuses about finding love. You are always going to be “busy” and have upcoming commitments. You will not find love by not going on dates. Now is the time!! Embrace your confidence and put yourself out there.
Be approachable! Get off your phone and talk to new people! When you are out, try to do what older folks did when they were single a decade or two ago. Look around and make eye contact. While your smartphone may act as a crutch especially when you’re waiting alone at a bar, or are on the elliptical at the gym, etc., try to put it down, look around and if you see someone who looks nice, smile! Be genuine in your approach. Believe it or not, people will be receptive to this! It shows you’re confident and outgoing and willing to take risks.
Try different dating methods. When it comes to starting a new dating search, try to take it slow and easy. With so much choice out there it can be really tempting to dismiss people quickly. Try to limit yourself to one to three dating sites/apps. Don’t waste a lot of time messaging back and forth- meet in person to see if there is a connection.
Hire a matchmaker! Working with a matchmaker is a great way to meet quality singles in a curated, customized experience. In addition, the coaching and relationship counsel that is included may help you redefine your search and add to your personal growth. Ever wonder why you previous first dates never resulted in scheduling second dates? Discussing feedback can be critical with your matchmaker in figuring out what issues are coming up in conversations and what other actions may be causing self- sabotage. Guaranteed you will learn a lot about yourself during this journey and you can truly improve your dating skills and increase your odds in finding a lasting relationship!
Three Ways to Re-invent your Search for Love
Do you feel like your dating situation is going nowhere? Do you feel like you’re in a rut? Do you keep dating the same “type” of person only to end up single again after a few passionate months? If so, then perhaps it’s time to reevaluate your search and edit your criteria. Remember, as time marches on, we change, we age, we need to evolve!
At Premier, we have interviewed many potential clients that we have had to coach even before we initiate a search in order to get them on track. Here are a few tips that have been very helpful to clients and we would love to share them with you now:
1. Toss the List – No matter where we keep these lists– on paper, on our laptops, in our heads – we all have these LISTS. You know, the “Top 10 Things We’re Looking for in a Partner?” Maybe you’ve got an image of what he needs to look like (full head of hair? Over 6 ft. tall?) or what she needs to be like (um, like 20 years younger?) Whatever is on your must-have list, TOSS IT!! It’s time to reevaluate that list and be more open to meeting different types of people.
2. Don’t Listen to your Friends – Sound harsh? Look, your friends and family have developed a sense of who you are based on what they’ve seen of you; makes sense. But no one knows what you really want ~ who you really want and who you really are ~ more than you! Haven’t you ever been attracted to someone only to be convinced by your friends that you shouldn’t invest any more time with this person? Even if this person is a good, solid individual that is kind, generous, intriguing and treats you well? We would suggest the next time this situation arises, avoid listening to what your friends think and who THEY think you should go out with. Listen to YOU. It may shock them – and you – to find who you’re really happy with.
3. Practice the “What If”- Here’s the scenario, you’re at a bar/restaurant or event and this man (or lady) orders you a drink even if (at that moment) he/she may not seem “your type.” Hmmm, what to do? Are you willing to practice the “What if’s?” What if you accepted the drink and allowed yourself to at least explore a conversation with this person. What if you found out he/she is pretty interesting, has a real funny side and happens to share quite a bit in common with you? What if you actually allowed yourself to become attracted to this person simply by letting you encounter evolve? Look, you’ve tried the same routine to find someone and the old formula isn’t working. Right now, you’re dateless. So what if you said yes to serendipitous interactions?
September Romances in Full Swing!
Summer might be over but September is a great time to find romance. While the summer months offer beautiful weather for singles to enjoy outdoor activities and social events, the month of September in many ways can even be even better. It’s a great time to enjoy cooler temps, socialize and attend events and meet other singles that are seeking romance. Here are few fun ideas to consider enjoying this month:
WATCH A MOVIE OUTSIDE – Yes, many cities and towns are still showing movies outside during September. If you haven’t yet done this, try going this month! Check the town’s listings and go watch a movie outdoors. Everyone brings their blankets and picnics with friends. You’re single, so you’re game, right? You’ll find it’s easier than ever to meet singles on a Wednesday evening.
GO TO A BALL GAME – Even if you’re not a super sports fan, baseball games epitomize fun, and they are also a great way to meet people. Grab a few friends and don’t be afraid to talk to that cute person sitting behind you – it’s a guaranteed good time.
PLAY MINI GOLF – Golf gets a bad rap and many of us just don’t have the time to invest hours to play 18 holes. It’s slow, and even its pro athletes aren’t exactly in peak physical condition. But mini golf? Everyone loves mini golf!! Its one sport everyone can play, and guess what – it makes for fun interacting with others that are also playing “the course.” There’s probably a mini course near you, all you have to do is find one. It’s especially hilarious to play this game after a few beers or glasses of wine.
FARMERS MARKET FUN – These days, farmer’s markets are year-round, but farmers’ markets during the summer and fall are simply the best. From tomatoes and corn to melons and peaches, the food is fresh and juicy. And while you might have frequented one of these markets several times this summer, why not go this next time and just “browse.” You might just notice a lot of attractive people there!
FALL BEACH TIME BLISS – While the beach was great during July and August, September can be even a better! Try it out. You’ll pleasantly notice the crowds and screaming kids are gone, the weather isn’t sweltering, and the ocean is still warm and inviting. Also, because the beach is a bit more laid back now, people tend to socialize more with those stationed around them. Believe it or not, it is a prime pickup zone. Give it a try. Even if you feel you’re “beached out” after enjoying the past few months in the sand, this after-the- summer vibe you’ll experience in September is just delightfully different. Also, keep in mind, it won’t be long before the frigid temps of December arrive, so get out there and enjoy these remaining weekends we have!!
FIRST DATE OPTIONS – Where to go, who pays and are you managing your expectations?
As matchmakers we are often asked what should be planned for first dates. Well, if we are working with clients and arranging their potential in-house introductions, then first dates should be important enough that select plans and/or reservations be made. Choosing a nice place with great atmosphere is key.
But if we are managing a client’s online search, a much more casual type date is encouraged such as meeting for coffee, or a quick drink after work.
Let’s review a few first date options that will be helpful for you to consider, whether you’re meeting your date through a service, a friend, or if it’s someone you’ve been communicating with online:
The Coffee Date. We all know that millions of singles have started relationships from first date encounters at Starbucks. Why? Because coffee dates are ideal for meeting people through the internet. At the point of your first meeting, you don’t know much about the other person and so these dates can be quick and easy, extremely low-pressure, casual, and low risk. Just keep in mind, in order to make the encounter more enjoyable, make sure you inform the other person of your exact location since coffee shops seem to be on every corner these days, and arrive a little early so you can snag a nice table that offers some privacy. Remember, these places are noisy and bustling morning, noon and night!
Drinks Dates. We love encouraging our couples to “meet for drinks” on first dates! Whether it’s over a martini, a glass of wine, or even a seltzer for those that don’t drink alcohol, drink dates can be fun, casual and offer a much nicer atmosphere for the two of you to enjoy your time together. Pick a place that isn’t too popular so that you’ll know you can find a spot to sit down and enjoy some quiet conversation. Also consider looking for spots that have great after work happy hours, which can help minimize costs. And no, it’s not cheap to have drinks at a place that offers happy hour prices!
Dining Dates. Whether over brunch, lunch or dinner, many individuals really appreciate the invitation for a dining adventure together for a first date. We like this option as well, especially if the venue accepts advance reservations and if there’s table service so the two of you can enjoy some great food and focus on your conversations.
OK, so we’ve reviewed the various options for first dates, so now let’s discuss…..
Who pays? With our service we expect the gentleman to pay for the first date. However it seems lately a lot of women feel the urge, even the sincere desire to share the expense of the first date. We leave this decision up to the couples. But ladies, if you DO offer to share the tab or pick up the tab, and he says OK, don’t make the mistake of chastising him afterwards and describing him as “cheap.” Remember, you offered.
Is Your Attitude in Check? Keep things light and upbeat. No matter what happens!! If the service was horrendous, the food was lousy, or traffic was challenging, rise above it and give this person your smile, your relaxed demeanor and your full attention. Let the little stuff go, stay cool, have fun, and make sure this other person has fun too.
And last but not least – Are you Managing Your Own Expectations? The only time we’re ever disappointed in life is if reality doesn’t match our expectations. One thing you can do instantly, to improve your first date experiences is to relax your expectations. Go with the flow, look for what’s right and lovely and worthy of note in this new person. Look for pleasant surprises. They’re always there, if you look, if you pay attention, and if you notice.
Are You’re Ready to Start Dating After a Breakup?
Here at Premier, we have worked with many singles that have ended serious relationships and are now attempting to begin dating again. Some clients have suffered through very difficult breakups while others seemed to have had an easier experience with it; sensing relief and excitement in “jumping back into the pool.”
According to one scientific study, the average person needs approximately 3 months to recover following a serious breakup. Of course, if you’ve recently been through a breakup of your own, you might be questioning this finding – the pain inflicted from an especially traumatic split can feel like it’ll last a lifetime. No two people handle a breakup in the same way, and no two breakups are exactly alike in their circumstances. So it is important to look within and recognize some of the common signs that will confirm that you are truly ready to get out there and meet new people. Overall, there is no rush, take your time, value your recovery, and then get back into the game when you’ve had enough time to heal.
Below are some tips that we offer our clients during coaching sessions, read through these tips and ask yourself where you stand with your emotions:
Determine if you are truly over it.
Be honest with yourself: Are you still an emotional wreck when you merely think about your breakup? Do you constantly find yourself wondering what you did wrong, or how you could have salvaged the doomed relationship? If so, then you’re not over it just yet. But if you can talk to friends and family about your breakup without feeling upset, regretful, or bursting into tears, then you may be ready to move on.
Take in what you’ve learned and realize this experience helped you grow more aware.
Breakups are rarely easy, but one of the plus sides of a failed relationship is that it can teach you more about what you want (and don’t want) in your next romance. Maybe your jobless “ex” has led you to realize just how important it is to find somebody who’s as motivated and driven as you are; or maybe your uptight past-partner has helped you understand how important a sense of humor is in a healthy relationship. If your last relationship has now made you feel more confident about what you want in your next partner, it means you’ve emotionally matured.
Now that you’ve moved on, can you now prioritize dating?
Let’s face it: dating is a commitment in more ways than one. It takes a lot of time and effort to get out and meet new people, let alone get to truly know them. This is why it’s important to analyze where you’re at in your life and determine whether you realistically have time to start dating. If you’re swamped with work, trying to finish school, or have other obligations taking priority, it might be better to wait until you have more time to dedicate to dating. However, if you find yourself staying in simply to watch Netflix every Friday and Saturday night, this might be a good indication that you need to invest time on more important things, like dating!
Remember to focus on yourself for a while and enjoy some Independence.
Many people that are newly single feel this need to fill the void as quickly as possible. Being alone feels foreign, uncomfortable and scary. Try to recognize this. Don’t latch on to the next person that comes along simply because you can’t stand being alone. Most people who have reclaimed their freedom after a breakup have felt it was the best thing they could have done for themselves. Think about it, you can now do whatever you want! This new found liberty can give you a great chance to focus on betterment and self-love. In the meantime, if you feel you have taken the time to improve yourself, appreciate what it means to live independently, and still feel like your life would be best shared with an amazing person, then hey – maybe you should get back into the dating ring.
Ultimately, only you can determine whether or not you’re ready to start dating again. If you choose to, ease into it and keep things as casual as possible at first. Just remember, the here and now is temporary and you have a lot to look forward to as you begin this new journey!
Attributes of a Loving Relationship
At Premier Match, one of the benefits of working with us is that we offer dating coaching and relationship counseling while arranging introductions. When we coach clients entering into relationships we keep a “Tips list” on what attributes are necessary to keep that loving relationship thriving.
Since this list is usually posted on our office cork board for our staff to share with clients during coaching sessions, we thought it would be helpful to share them with you and post them on our latest blog. Here is our tried and true list of Attributes of a Loving Relationship ~ Enjoy!
- Act from the position of unconditional love.
- Authentically share your feelings.
- Communicate sincerely.
- Be kind and considerate.
- Honor the other person’s values.
- Exercise a level of compromise.
- Give the other person space to grow.
- Be someone who encourages, like a cheerleader.
- Be of peace and harmony.
- Be respectful.
- Be trustworthy.
- Have a sense of humor.
- Be tolerant when the other person falters in your eyes.
- Forgive yourself and the other person when necessary.
- State your truth tactfully.
- Walk a mile in the other person’s shoes.
- Be compassionate.
- Be a good listener.
- Teach by example.
- Honor the other person’s spiritual values.
- Be open-minded.
- Know that another person can change only if they want to.
- Base the relationship on the present, letting the past be a learning experience only.
- Understand that a relationship is a journey of discovery.
- Feel blessed that someone wants to do the dance with you.
Ladies – Do you feel Him Pulling Away? What to Do…
You just started dating someone recently, and things were going strong, but lately, he has been distant. If you’re not ready to write him off just yet – here are a few strategic tactics to try.
Don’t be so Available – If he calls at 9 pm to ask if he can come over, don’t take the bait! Tell him you’re in for the night and let him schedule real plans later. Most women make themselves more accessible when they feel a guy fading away, but that only gives him a pass to treat you with less respect.
Continue to Remain Good Company – It’s easy to act annoyed when you don’t know where a person stands, but that only creates more distance. Instead, when you do see him, bring your A-game. He will start to question why he’s letting a woman so charming potentially slip away.
Make it Known you’re Doing Fun Things – There’s no harm in mentioning your cool plans; plans that do not include him. He’ll feel a little left out – and wonder who might be hitting on you when he’s not there. Keep him guessing…
Say you’re OK with Space between you – and Mean it! If his vibe is really getting to the point where you’ll need to have “a conversation” about his recent actions, mention something like this: “I’m feeling some confusion, which is fine, but I’m going to take some space, so I don’t get too close to someone who’s not sure what he wants.” This will give you some of your power back.
We always empathize with women when they experience this type of behavior. We try to coach and encourage them to stay strong and hold on to their self-worth. The last thing you want to turn into is the insecure and needy woman – for that type of behavior will surely ruin any chances of a relationship continuing!
Bear in mind, if he is showing obvious clues that he’s trying to “exit” the relationship, it’s best to acknowledge this, hold your head high and take action. You deserve to be with a man that desires you and wants to continue to spend time with you – not keep you in a state of confusion as to where it is going.
8 Keys to Love in the New Year
You found love, so now here are some tips to keep it going strong throughout this next year!
If you’ve found the love of your life this past year – fabulous! I bet the holiday season was amazing for you! Below is a list to keep your love alive and keep it flourishing. Enjoy! Spread the love!
1). Cultivate the passion you’ve developed with your beloved through ongoing adventure, laughter, strong communication, and guidance.
2). Keep remembering why you’re grateful for your love.
3). Share, share, share with your love—as we know love can turn cold and wither away if ignored for too long. Be aware of this.
4). Treat your darling as your best friend and keep “respect” alive.
5). You found an incredible person to love – enjoy the magical adventure that only true love from the heart can produce…then let the rest of us bask in your glow because deep down we know that’s what life is all about.
6). When you find yourself dissing or complaining about your love, pause and consider if you feel that way about yourself and try to imagine neutralizing it in your mind and transforming it into love and then share the love feelings (either in your mind or verbally if you voiced an insult to a loved one).
7). If any feelings of unhappiness or uneasiness about a beloved continue to surface, ask yourself what it is teaching you and see if there’s something to learn from this experience.
8). If in an argument with a loved one and you’re arguing a point while feeling moved to hug them, kiss them or say something outside of the argument that is loving (I’m sure you’ve felt this feeling) go ahead and follow your instinct and give them the love your feeling. It will go a long way, and may even defuse the argument altogether.
That’s our list! – So may your New Year be filled with love—love you give out and the beautiful love you will receive in return!
Holiday Gift Giving
Make this Year’s Gift Giving Stress-Free and Fun!
You’ve just starting dating someone that you really like and now the Holidays are in full swing. You know you’ve got to get them some sort of present for the gift exchange, but what? You don’t want your gift to be too big and scare your new guy/gal away or too small and insignificant that it makes you look like you haven’t put any effort into it. There has to be a delicate balance. So to help you out, here are some gift ideas that we feel are appropriate, as well as which ones to avoid:
Gifts that are Appropriate
Scarves, gloves, hats — basically items that are one size fits all. Plus its winter here, so any item that will keep us warm will be useful. Other suggests: For guys – If they are into sports, get them their favorite team’s jersey and/or any other sports related items. For women – we can always use another silk scarf or a small fancy purse to accessorize our wardrobe. Also, fragrances are always great gifts and during the holiday season, all of the department stores sell fragrance Xmas gift boxes that include the perfume, shower/shave gel, and body lotion. Just make sure you know what your guy/gal likes before you purchase anything!
Consider the following: There’s a book she’s always wanted to read but never got around to it or there’s a new book from an author he’s said is his favorite. That’s when a book is a good gift. It shows you’ve been listening and take interest in their life and it’s something you know they’ll like.
This mainly applies as a gift idea for the ladies. Costume jewelry is an acceptable gift. It’s whimsical and light-hearted. Go into any hip fashion boutique and they usually have on display costume jewelry that’s hot this season. Pick up a couple bangles with different colored stones in them or a stylish necklace with colors you know she’ll like. Go for it! Just make sure you have a pretty good idea of her fashion sense and taste.
4). Hobby-related gifts
If your new partner has talked enthusiastically about a certain hobby they love, then take notice and purchase something that can be used towards this hobby. If they are into ethnic cooking, look into purchasing some spices, recipe books and/or cook ware that will enhance this cooking. If they are into drawing or painting, maybe purchasing some new brushes or sketch pads, smocks, whatever. Anything that will show you’ve listened to what interests them and have paid attention to what they enjoy doing.
Gifts to Avoid
1). Don’t buy anything too expensive.
For a new relationship, it’s best not to spend more than $30 to $50. Anything over that price might make your new guy/girlfriend feel like you’re taking the relationship too seriously, too fast. Plus, if your partner has gotten you something less lavish, it will make for an awkward situation.
2). Stay away from cheap gifts that are small/simple.
On the other end of the spectrum, don’t get a gift that is too small. While you don’t want to overspend, you also don’t want the gift to be something too generic. The key is to show that you’ve enjoyed the time you’ve spent so far, have listened and learned a bit about them and would like to continue down that road.
3). Stay away from gifts that are too personal.
It’s not a good idea to give something that injects yourself into your new guy/girlfriend’s life too fast. You have to let the other person open up their life to you at their own pace. Getting too intense, too quickly is a sure-fire way to creep her/him out.
4). Avoid gifts that can send the wrong message.
This is straightforward enough. If you can imagine your new guy/girlfriend reading too much into something or interpreting the meaning of an item in a different way than you intended, leave it at the store and walk away.
5). Avoid gifts that are too impersonal.
Gift cards are the worst! Don’t get me wrong, gift cards are appreciated in general, (heck, my own sister requests that I give her one every year as her gift, and I ask for one in return) but for a new relationship? No way! They are too impersonal and show you haven’t put any effort into the gift. I mean, if you can pick up a few at the checkout counter at the supermarket (like gift cards for Itunes, Century 21, TJMaxx etc.), don’t you think your new love will notice that you didn’t put much thought into their gift? Just avoid gifts cards, please!
Ladies –What is Causing the Men You’ve Been Dating to Disappear?
Mistake #1: – Believing That What Attracts Him to You is the Same Thing You Find Attractive in Him
You look great for your age. You’re educated. You make your own money. You’re smart, analytical, resilient, driven, ambitious, and independent. You know what you’re worth and, after a few bad experiences, you’ve vowed never to compromise to be with anyone who isn’t up to par.
Yet every once in a blue moon, you meet a man who makes the cut.
Your attraction is strong. Your connection is real. Your chemistry is white hot.
You dive into a relationship … and he breaks up with you a few months later.
Next thing you know, he’s involved with another woman who isn’t nearly as attractive, successful, or impressive as you are. And you scratch your head and wonder what head injury this man has suffered to choose such a woman.
Why would he give you up for her? It’s completely confusing… unless you understand men. Then, it makes perfect sense:
What you’re looking for in a man is NOT what he’s looking for in a woman.
- He doesn’t care if you’re smarter than he is.
- He doesn’t care what you do for a living or if you have a healthy bank account.
- He doesn’t care if you’re cultured and well-traveled and sophisticated about the finer things.
Thus, your strongest traits – your intelligence, your success, your independence, your drive – don’t matter as much to him. He wants what he can’t get from his male
A man wants a woman who makes him feel good, who makes him feel loved and secure. He wants someone who makes him feel sexy and trusted.
Regardless of what you do for a living, how successful you are, or even how beautiful you are, if you don’t consistently make him feel good when he’s with you, he’s going to disappear and find a woman who does.
Mistake #2: – You’re Being Too Proactive
Men win you over by giving to you. We ask you out. We call you. We pay for dates. We initiate sex. We ask for commitment. We propose marriage. We give. You receive. Reverse this order by asking him out, initiating sex, asking for commitment, or proposing marriage, and a masculine guy will feel, well, emasculated. Thus, if you want a masculine guy, your greatest move is to embrace your passive feminine side.
You may hate the word passive. You may think it sounds like a 1950’s housewife, or a helpless woman who can’t do anything for herself.
Being passive doesn’t mean that you can’t do anything proactive. It means that you’re choosing not to do anything proactive, because being proactive during courtship is ineffective in making a man feel attracted to you.
Here are a few common examples of being proactive:
- You have a great date, you email him the next day to say you had a lot of fun.
- You haven’t heard from him all weekend, you text him to make sure he’s doing okay.
- You want to see him next week, you tell him his favorite band is playing downtown and you can get tickets.
- You’re confused about where your relationship stands, you ask him where things are headed.
You think you’re being real; he thinks you’re acting clingy. Understand, the man of your dreams doesn’t NEED to be pushed to be your boyfriend.
The disconnect is this: You want men to actively pursue you. But most men do not want to be actively pursued. The only guys who do are really shy, really insecure, or really clueless about women. Most men will value you more if they have to win you over. That’s what guys mean about a “challenge”. So step away from “The Rules,” which tell you to refuse to return his calls or act like you’re busy when you’re not. All I´m asking you to do is embrace your receptive feminine energy.
Continue to push men for dates, commitment or clarity, and watch them run away.
Mistake #3: You Worry Too Much About Getting Hurt Again
You’ve probably been hurt by guys in the past.
One boyfriend may have cheated on you. Another may have dated you for three years but didn’t want to get married. Another might have been a friends-with-benefits guy who never wanted a relationship with you.
And because you’ve had these life experiences, you’re determined to learn from them. You tell yourself that you’re never going to find yourself in that position again. So you become vigilant. You look for the signs. You seek “red flags” and instantly dismiss a man you even SUSPECT is going to be a player, a commitment phobe or a wishy-washy loser.
You ask him probing questions on the first date, looking for chinks in his armor.
You make it perfectly clear about what you will or won’t tolerate up front.
You ask where your relationship is going after the third date.
Then you wonder why he disappeared.
Here’s the deal:
Men are not heartbreakers looking for our next victim. It is never our goal to hurt you at any point in time. Like you, we’re not sure what will make us happy. All we know is that we’ll know it when we see it.
But you’ve gotta give us the chance to reveal ourselves over time.
Push your boyfriend to know where things are going too soon and you’ll quickly find that they’re not going anywhere at all.
How can you learn about a man and protect yourself without scaring him away?
Fortunately, it’s not that hard to show you how to make different choices in your love life – choices that lead to more nurturing, stable, meaningful relationships without compromising your needs or risking that a good man will disappear on you.
Date Someone that Makes you Feel Great and Makes you a Better Person!
When dating, try to seek out someone that makes you feel really great, but will also make you a better person. The individual you choose should enhance your life and make you feel really good about yourself. They should fascinate you, amaze you, and of course make you feel very, very happy! Here are some other characteristics to identify that perfect “catch.”
1). Date someone who is captivating and who oozes confidence; someone whom you find irresistibly sexy and have incredible chemistry with.
2). Date someone who is curious about life; someone who pushes their limits and yours! Pick a person who is intellectually stimulating – someone who has a variety of interests and is always yearning to grow. Let them encourage you to step outside of your comfort zone and experience new places and new things.
3). Date someone who believes in living life to the fullest, but can also be happy taking advantage of all of life’s simple pleasures as well. They can morph and adapt to any situation and make it a positive experience.
4). Since we know laughter can be one of the best remedies to cure a bad mood, it can also serve as one of the best aphrodisiacs! Choose a partner who can make you laugh, someone who can look at the comedic side of life and is always finding the “positive” in every situation.
5). Date someone who is passionate in a romantic way but also is passionate about their ambitions, their careers, family, charities, etc. Their zest for life should be intense and they should be exciting to be around.
6). Date someone who is drama free. Your relationship shouldn’t be an emotional rollercoaster. They should be reliable and dependable, and not play games.
7). Be with a partner who isn’t afraid to be unusual. Maybe he/she has a bit of an “edge” or is more of a creative type. If they’re not the usual type you are attracted to, explore this. For his/her uniqueness is what makes them special and they could be a really great person for you to be with.
8). Be with someone who you feel can be your best friend. You should be able to talk honestly with them about anything. They should listen to you with kindness and concern and be able to offer candid advice when needed. The relationship should just “flow” and be easy. You want to be yourself and let your guard down.
Overall, fall in love with someone who exhilarates you and makes you be the best version of yourself. Don’t settle for second best! You deserve to be with someone who is exceptional, because YOU are exceptional!
Five Things You Should Be Looking for by the Fifth Date
Five Things You Should Be Looking for by the Fifth Date
Is this fledgling relationship worth pursuing?
You’ve met someone pretty special. You’ve gone out with them more than a few times now. You’ve just completed your fourth date and are looking forward to the fifth. So how are things going? Does it appear that things are taking hold? By now you should have a pretty good idea if the fledgling relationship is worth pursuing.
Naturally you’ve been searching for red flags along the way. But if you haven’t really discovered any and the relationship seems quite promising – than bravo!… there is hope that this one might take hold! Let’s review what has gone on so far, and hone in on some of the qualities and traits you should be looking for in a relationship that will stick.
1). You feel comfortable being yourself around him/her:
In the first couple of dates, you will naturally put your best self forward and try to minimize the exposure of your shortcomings. However, this requires a lot of energy, and eventually you’ll want to let your guard down so you can start to get to know each other properly. By the fifth date, you should be able to acknowledge whether or not you feel comfortable around them and if they make you feel good about yourself. There shouldn’t be any feelings of anxiety or insecurity at this point. If you do experience uncomfortable feelings, try to figure out why.
2). The conversation has progressed to the next level:
In the first couple of dates, the conversations tend to follow a safe and predictable script. “What do you do?” “Where have you traveled?” and so forth. However, by the end of the fourth date you should be well past this basic small talk and the conversations should be flowing in a more natural, unscripted fashion. If this hasn’t happened then it may become awkward and perhaps the reality is you may not have as much in common as you should with this person in order to proceed.
3). They show humility and compassion:
One of the most important things that a partner should possess is humility and compassion. You want to make sure you are with someone who is able to open up and be frank about themselves and admit to some of their own flaws and shortcomings. Do you sense some humility in this person? Pay attention to what is being said. If they are brash, or come across as arrogant and disrespectful, it might be a good idea to consider moving on.
4). Your interests are in check:
By now you should have an understanding of what your potential partner is into and what they do with their spare time. While you shouldn’t expect to share every interest in common, you should have at least a couple of shared interests that you both enjoy. These interests will be important later to sustain the relationship, so make sure that you can identify a few. They can be any interest ~ from sports and fitness to travel to cooking to the type of movies or music you like.
5). There are shared values and common goals:
You will find it much easier to date and find a partner if you know what your values are and you know what values you are looking for. Are you both on the same page here? As long as you pay attention to what is mentioned in passing and in casual conversation, you should be able to tell whether this person is at least potentially compatible in terms of values. If they are blatantly incompatible in this regard then you may need to think again. You can handle different values while the infatuation period continues, but once those rose-tinted glasses come off then this will become an issue that will be way more important as time goes on.
Image courtesy of photostock at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Increasing the Positive Energy in Your Life
Increasing the Positive Energy in Your Life
With Springtime now upon us, the weather improving and spending time outside and enjoying yourself can put you in a better state of mind – A more positive state of mind that can also enhance your chances of finding love. Here are Six tips to help you increase the positivity in your life!
1. Retrain you mind to Focus on Positive Thoughts
Are you a person who continually beats yourself up mentally? Do you constantly question your actions? If so, try to retrain your brain to stop doing that to yourself. The more you talk negatively to yourself, the more that negativity will become a part of you. Instead, practice the power of positive thinking. Any time a negative thought comes into your mind, replace it with a positive one. At some point, this will become more natural as your brain automatically turns a negative into a positive.
2. Surround Yourself with Optimistic People
It’s important to have a positive support group to help each other through difficult times. Notice we mention a “positive” support group? Surrounding yourself with positive people will help you stay positive when in a negative situation. There are plenty of negative people out there—avoid them! Their negative attitudes will only bring you down and be counterproductive to what you are trying to achieve by practicing positive thinking.
Smiling is really important. Do you know it has been proven that if you smile more it actually does lift your spirits? Try to smile when you’re walking around. You’ll be surprised how much better you will feel. Too many people have a permanent frown on their faces these days which is really sad. If you want to be happy, start looking like you are!
4. Exercise your Body and your Mind
We know that exercise is good for our bodies, but what about our minds? You bet it is! It releases those natural endorphins in our brains that make us feel better. Exercise has physical as well as mental and emotional benefits. So getting out there and working out will keep your body get in better shape, as well as boost your self-esteem for having the discipline to exercise. Adding yoga into your exercise routine may also help you learn to really focus and meditate. Exercise is an excellent way to fight the negative effects of bad situations.
5. Increase your Good Karma
Exercising kindness is contagious. So is karma. You’ll be surprised how good it feels to indulge in random acts of kindness. By doing something nice for someone else, you’ll make their day and you’ll feel better. Spread the positive vibes.
6. Express Gratitude.
Even in the worst of times, most of us realize that we still have things in our lives for which we are grateful. Voice those blessings! Practice gratitude. Talk about the things you are grateful for with your support group. Keep a gratitude journal to capture the thankfulness you feel for what you have on a daily basis. Actively acknowledging what you’re grateful for will help you to always have a grateful mind and heart, even when bad things happen.
Ladies – What are the signals you are putting out while dating?
In daily life we are sending out subtle—and not-so-subtle—messages to everyone around us. Like Wi-Fi signals floating unseen through the air, you broadcast hundreds of messages every time you interact with someone. And if you’re dating, you can bet that the gentlemen you’re going out with are reading every signal you offer, analyzing each one in an effort to decipher its exact meaning.
The good news is that you can transmit these signals any time you want in order to achieve a desired effect. That’s a lot of power to have over another person. But the bad news is that you’re also sending a steady stream of signals without even knowing it. Your facial expression, your posture, your body language, and even the way you walk and talk are communicating all kinds of things to the person you’re interacting with.
Let’s look at some of the main ways you send signals to men. This can help you examine just what it is you’re communicating—intentionally or not—to other people.
Broadcasting that your life is “crazy busy.” You know in your heart you want a relationship, but is it common for you to broadcast to everyone around you that your life is crazy busy and your business and personal commitments are all consuming? If so, do you honestly think that anyone that is listening to this will become more interested in dating you? The signal you are putting out there is that you don’t have the time or the capability of investing in anything right now. Try to keep your discussions more light and less stressed and try to talk about how you are available (if you truly could be and truly want a relationship in your life).
Choosing the Location for the Date. While most people decide together where they would like to go out on their date, if you make demands and choose a date location that seems to be inconvenient or communicates a complete lack of interest in pleasing the other person, please try to identify this and collaborate on a date plan that seems more mutually agreeable. Don’t choose a date location that is literally across the street from your house/apt but is an hour away by car for the other party. And if he isn’t into loud music or into drinking don’t suggest a bar hall that plays loud dance music. Pay attention to the fact that your date may wonder how much you care about them and how much investment you have in developing a dating relationship.
Presenting yourself by the way you Dress. This is one of the most obvious ways to send a message to a person you’re going out with. If you dress to look sexy, you are communicating one thing. If you dress in a way that’s totally casual, you are saying something else. The same goes for whether you look sloppy, well-groomed, successful, or high maintenance. The clothes you wear and the way you wear them are great ways to tell a date a little about yourself, about how you are feeling about the date, and about what you have in mind for the evening.
Just make sure that you’re not broadcasting messages that you don’t mean to. When you get dressed for the date, ask yourself, “Is the way I’m dressed sending the signals I mean to be sending?” If so, then go for it. But if not, you might decide to dress up or dress down a bit, depending on how you want to come across.
Invitations you Offer or Accept that send the wrong Signals. Certain dating activities don’t really hold any specific significance at all. Dinner at a local cafe followed by a movie isn’t necessarily going to deliver any precise message regarding your expectations for the evening or the relationship. But other invitations have the potential to communicate plenty. Inviting someone inside for a drink at the end of the date signals that you’re at least open to the idea of the relationship becoming more physically intimate.
And also if someone you’ve recently started dating asks you to go away for the weekend you better realize that this may imply more intimacy, and maybe even take the relationship to a new level of seriousness. If you feel ready for this..Great! Go for it! Of course, if you don’t feel comfortable with the invitation, you should never feel obligated to go through with it because the other party is going to misread your signal.
Playing Hard to Get. Men hate this game and bear in mind, with all the options that are available these days in meeting new people, playing hard to get is not a game that will side in your favor. Don’t believe that you are going to make someone more interested in you if you play this game. He will only become more frustrated with you. And if you aren’t into someone, at least follow up and communicate your feelings. Parting as “friends” will offer closure and will allow the gentleman to know how you’re feeling so he can move on and not waste any more time.
Sending Out The Right Signals When Dating
At Premier Match we facilitate hundreds of introductions over the course of a month. After each date happens we receive feedback from both parties to get a better perspective on how things went and if second dates might be arranged. While the feedback assists us in fine tuning a client’s search, it also provides a wealth of information on how men and women interact; what is being said, understood and at times misinterpreted. Women are very acute to paying attention to details ~ what is verbally promised and what actions imply second and/or third dates.
Gentlemen this blog post is for you – Are you sending out the right signals when dating or not? Here are a few examples of what we mean:
Women pay attention to what a man says more than he what he does even though it’s known that actions speak louder than words. If you say you are going to do something like take her to a concert later this month and then you never mention it again, she is going to fixate more on the fact that you said you were going to do something rather than you just didn’t do it and didn’t explain why.
With regard to calling after a date, it is better to say, “I will talk to you soon” rather than “I will talk to you tomorrow.“ Women take these types of statements literally and they notice when the call doesn’t come in “tomorrow.” Even if you’re a day late, they will remember that you didn’t call the day you were supposed to. So keep your statement more open and broad and say “I will call you soon.” This way you won’t be penalized for your efforts.
If you’re really not interested in a woman, then don’t plan another date with her. In the dating arena, it should be known that people are not looking for “new friends,” they are looking for relationships. If you ask someone out for another date it will be presumed that there is some romantic interest. However, if you aren’t certain as of yet how you feel about someone, it is okay to go out again and try to figure your feelings out; no one is expected to know instantaneously if someone is right for them for the long haul and sometimes it takes a few tries to figure that out.
Texting back and forth after a date will imply romantic interest. If you like the woman and see potential with her – great, then text her and enjoy the banter. However, if you simply want to text back and forth because it’s fun and you really don’t have any interest in pursuing her, then don’t participate in this kind of interaction. Friendship might be a possibility in the future, but during this stage in the game it will be misinterpreted that you are looking for something more.
Talking to your date about the other women you are dating gives off a mixed message. Yes, when we were high school, it was fun to make another person jealous by boasting how “popular” we are, but not at this stage in life; conversations involving other women should not come up. Consider it understood that in the world of dating you (as well as the other party) are out there meeting different people and going out on other dates. Keep your active social life to yourself and think of other topics that are more considerate to discuss.
Kissing if you are not romantically interested in someone throws off a huge mixed signal. If you aren’t romantically interested and you know that the other person is, please don’t make out with her for the fun of it. The woman is going to expect to hear from you again and is going to expect that the two of you will be going out on another date. Why wouldn’t she expect that? And keep in mind that even if the kiss was “just okay” the recipient is still going to expect another date because first date kisses always deserve a “do-over” given the awkwardness of the moment.
No kiss also gives a signal. If someone leans in for a kiss and you turn your cheek, or greet them with sealed lips (even if you’re nervous), this will imply that you are not romantically interested. If you were actually interested and sent the wrong signal by accident, you need to let the lady know right away. Perhaps the next day, send a text and be cute, “had fun last night, looking forward to trying that “end part” again!” The best way to clarify a mixed signal is to give a clear signal or at least a signal that has a hint of clarity!
Top 5 Tips on How to Create a Successful Online Profile
Happy New Year to all our Readers! As the New Year unfolds and we head into later January, a lot of single people are getting back into the grove of dating. At Premier, we always notice an uptick in business; setting appointments and signing up new members, reactivating clients that placed memberships on hold, matchmaking/facilitating introductions and “managing” accounts. How are we managing? We are managing our clients’ online dating accounts; assisting them with their personal online searches. Through our research and experiences we’ve been able come up with a very unique and special strategy on how to get the most out of online dating and seek out potential singles that are sincere in wanting serious relationships.
For this blog entry we thought we might share some basic online profile tips that may be helpful to you. Whether you’ve been online for while or are considering joining one of the sites, below are the Top 5 Tips on how to create the most effective online profile and succeed with online dating.
1. Create a Profile that is Short and Sweet
Since everyone online is basically surfing through lots of profiles, the shorter the bios the better. Research has shown that profiles that contain shorter paragraphs tend to be more eye-catching and are therefore read more thoroughly. Be concise when explaining who you are and what you’re looking for. Keep it fun, light and airy. Make sure to keep the comments positive as well.
2. Market yourself with the Best Pictures you have
Believe it or not, most people will either accept or deny your profile simply by looking at your photos ~ so only select pictures that show you in your best light and of course, only pick photos that are recent and are in focus. Remember, you’re marketing yourself, so it’s better to pick the top two or three best shots that you have rather than add any more that might be just OK. When selecting pictures, it might be worth investing in having professional shots taken. If you can’t afford that, then select some pictures you like and ask some friends and/or family members what photos they think are the best and go with the general consensus on which ones to use.
3. Honesty Matters more than you think
Remember that everything you offer will eventually be found out when you meet face to face, so keep it honest. It has been known that adults tend to seek out partners who are out of their league, notes Derek Kreager, an associate professor of sociology at Pennsylvania State University, who recently published his research on this topic in the Journal of Marriage and Family. While it seems tempting to embellish a profile since readers cannot see you in person…beware! For if you lie, a potential date will find out the truth (about your height, your weight, your age) eventually anyway when you meet, so keep the facts straight otherwise the whole encounter will have been a huge waste of time and energy.
4. Check your Grammar and Spelling
When you write your profile make sure to use proper grammar throughout and avoid slang. Also double check your spelling and check for typos. It is a real turnoff for a reader to read through a bio that contains poor grammar, multiple spelling errors and typos. It will lower your chances of being contacted and tarnish your image as you’ll unfortunately be perceived as sloppy and less educated than you are.
5. Shine through with Similarities
When you begin introducing yourself to others you’re interested in, remember that the introductions that achieve the best responses are those that give a reason why the reader would want to respond back. Common ground is critical. Read through a selected person’s interests and touch upon them in your introduction. Reveal a few thoughts or experiences of your own that will make the intro a lot more personalized and heartfelt. If you both recently skied in Vermont, mention this and tell him/her which resort you enjoyed. If volunteering is important to this person, as it is with you, mention which causes you’ve been involved with and why. Offer more substantial comments rather than just mentioning generic statements that could be sent to anyone.
Holiday Dating Dilemmas Resolved
(Updated on December 17, 2015)
It’s that time of year again when we are celebrating the holidays. But when you’re presently dating someone new, or the relationship is just starting to take hold, how do you handle certain issues when it comes to gifts, family, etc.? At Premier Match we are often coaching clients on these “dilemmas” and would like to share a few of them with you, along with a few resolutions on how to make the holidays the best they can be with your new love.
So, how do you handle:
With holiday dating, the issue of whether or not to exchange gifts can be confusing. If you’re dating casually, you shouldn’t feel obligated to give a gift just because it’s the holidays. However, if you feel you would like to give your date something thoughtful, keep it inexpensive but something they would appreciate. It’s good to pay attention to what s/he likes so that they will know you care and that you put some thought into your gift: perhaps a book on a special topic that was discussed or a bottle of scotch that was tasted and enjoyed. Another great gift idea is pre-arranging a future date together– whether it be tickets to a play or ball game or an evening of skating in the park. Remember, certain gifts are going to imply certain intentions. Giving your gal lingerie will certainly hint at the idea that you’re looking for a more sexual relationship, which may be great or awkward. Be careful about splurging for gifts dealing with grooming or exercise as they may backfire and cause your date to believe that you are dissatisfied with the way they look and want to change them.
When contemplating inviting a date to a family gathering, first consider whether an extra guest is welcome. Is there room at the dinner table and will your family feel comfortable with a virtual stranger joining them? The nature of the gathering can also determine the appropriateness of inviting someone special. If it’s a cocktail party with extended family and close friends, then a date will be appropriate. However, if it’s an intimate gift exchange amongst siblings then perhaps inviting your friend later would be a better bet. Consider your date’s feelings too. Will s/he feel comfortable with off-key family Christmas caroling or being asked by your nosy aunt when you two will be getting married because you “look so adorable together.”
The Office Party
With dinner, drinks, and dancing, why not bring along someone to share in the fun? Having a date can also prevent a potentially embarrassing interoffice hook-up. However, turning an office party into an opportunity for holiday dating presents a few concerns similar to family gatherings. Are dates welcome at the event? If your company is budget-conscious, they may not allow dates to come. Will your date enjoy spending time with your co-workers? Since you’re the only one s/he knows, it’s especially important to make sure you don’t abandon your date during the evening.
If you’re seeing someone that has a different religious belief, holiday dating can highlight conflicts in your spiritual thought process/beliefs. The key to avoiding problems is to be open and honest about your comfort level at all times. Don’t feel obligated to go to your date’s house of worship if you feel uncomfortable partaking in the religious rituals. As long as you are open and communicate your concerns you both can have a better time getting through the holiday season. It may also allow you the opportunity to see if you are both compatible in this area and if your relationship has the potential to last.
Work, Work and More Work
If you find that the case you are working on or the budget deal is cutting into your personal life, hopefully you can steal away and attend at least one gathering that will be meaningful this holiday season. A lot of busy professionals find themselves working against the clock to finish projects before the clock strikes twelve on New Year’s and we are now into another tax year. Try to pace it, get your sleep but find some balance between work and play–it’s important for your mental sanity as well as your emotional well-being.
Body Language: Can you read the signals?
Often times, our body language speaks louder than our words when dating. That is why you should pay close attention to the signals you’re picking up from your date as well as the actions you are consciously and unconsciously giving out.
Did you know that the most effective flirting techniques are happening through body language? It’s been proven that about 55 % of flirting is done through body language, while only 38% is through the inflection of voice, and 7 percent through words. Isn’t that interesting?
Nonverbal signals are part of communication, and they are accompanied by spoken words or not; it’s just simple human interaction that we have with others when we’re communicating.
So the next time you’re out on a date, try to pay attention to how you’re feeling and what you’re thinking ~ and try to notice what the other person’s body language reveals about their thoughts and intentions towards you.
Here are some good body language techniques that we would encourage while on a date:
Good Body Language on Dates
• Be comfortable and natural in your posture and position
• Make sure your attention is focused on your date – and not everywhere else
• Mirror the other person (Demonstrate that you are getting along and feeling a connection)
• Listen attentively to what they say (sometimes their over sharing & lack of filters actually will tell you more about what you need to know about them)
• Be respectful with any touching
And here are some of the positive as well as the negative body language indicators between women and men that you can identify with while dating:
Positive Body Language Indicators
• It’s all in the eyes, the way she looks at you speaks volumes (look for desire, longing, enticement, interest).
• Her hands are doing something to bring attention to her such as playing with her hair, massaging her neck.
• She’ll be tilting her head to show she’s listening attentively.
• She’ll be seated comfortably with good posture – with head, torso and feet all facing you.
• She’ll continuously cross and uncross her legs – see if her feet point inward towards you.
• She’ll be smiling & laughing with you and emulating positive energy.
• Do you notice flared nostrils? In the right context this may be a signal that she is ready and willing to get physical with you and sign she may want to be kissed.
• He shows great posture, and his position is open without arms crossed.
• He’ll show good eye contact and isn’t distracted by people or other sources around you.
• He will open his eyes wider, and raise his eyebrows with animation.
• He will inch closer and closer to you, proximity increases intimacy and shows he’s really into you.
• He will gently touch your hands, arm, or back.
• He’ll be smiling & laughing with you.
Unhealthy Emotional Attachments and Dating
Have you ever started dating someone and became so totally enamored with that individual that it resulted in a very unhealthy relationship? Your behavior became obsessive which caused your relationship to crash and burn? Well, some single people suffer from unhealthy emotional attachments in relationships. They can’t understand why they continually end up alone and frustrated. At Premier Match we have coached clients on their dating behavior and have explored previous relationship histories. Through our counsel we were able to identify unhealthy dating patterns and offer guidance in order to achieve loving and lasting relationships.
For this blog, we wanted to share some of the common patterns we’ve documented, and then share some tips on how to break free from unhealthy emotional attachments while dating.
Recognizing the Patterns
According to psychologists, it’s very important to be able to recognize unhealthy emotional attachments. But what are some of the behaviors/patterns? Some may appear more obvious than others. Here are the Top Four. Do any of these seem familiar to you?
- Experiencing Constant Whirlwind Romances. What this looks like is the inability to discern appropriate boundaries….it is identified as the “whirlwind romance.” Is this a common occurrence for you? Do you jump into a relationships really fast and become too close too soon? Are you in perpetual relationship cycles? Unfortunately because you don’t know the other party on a deeper level, these are shallow relationships and tend to end just as fast as they began.
- Becoming Clingy and Desperate to find someone who “Completes You.” This is also shallow but also adds an element of delusion to the mix. You meet someone and will do anything to make it work, even though it doesn’t feel right and the interest is not being reciprocated. You become “clingy,” and try to fill a gap with anyone in order to fulfill your “other half.” Unfortunately the problem here is that you’re putting too much emphasis on the other person which isn’t healthy. No one can “complete you” if you’re not able to live a fulfilled life on your own.
- Someone is Giving you Attention – They must be Your Forever Soul Mate. Wow, someone paid you some attention, offered you compliments and said all the right things. They must be The One if they’re so romantic and they’re already talking about a future together, right? Wrong! We all know about looking for love in all the wrong places and with all the wrong people. Well, it happens more than we’d like to admit and it’s unfortunate that there are people out there that will unfairly lead you on very quickly and say all the things you want to hear. Pay attention to the situation and see it for what it is. If you know yourself you can stay strong and not get sucked into short lived romantic fantasies, because people that act this way towards you usually do not stick around long.
- Power is what you’re Attracted to…Not the Person. This one is very real as well. It’s about being attracted to wealthy people in positions of power and influence. Power can act like an aphrodisiac. It can cause a person to get caught up in all the flash and glory of what money can buy. The lavish lifestyle, the galas, the jets, rubbing elbows with celebrities. All great fun – but what about the relationship itself and the person you’re with? Are you receiving genuine love and affection? Are you being respected and treated kindly, aside from enjoying all the monetary indulgences? Pay attention to this. Focus on the person you are with as a human being and see them for who they really are. Because after a while (when the champagne bubbles clear), you may begin to feel empty inside, lonely and miss the intimacy of true love. The realm of reality with this relationship may unfortunately lead to more delusion and hurt.
How to Let Go of these Patterns
So after reading through some of the patterns above, can you relate to one or a few of them? If so, maybe writing down some of your past experiences and reflecting on them will shed more light on a general pattern that has developed. In addition, try to honestly answer these questions below:
- Do you always date the same types of people over and over again? Ask yourself why.
- Do you always encounter dating disasters? Or experience relationships that seem strange and end in crazy ways? Who (or what) is the common denominator here?
- Might YOU be the problem here?
Overall, we have to acknowledge that we are all responsible for our own actions; no one else is to blame. You can choose to be happy or chose to be a victim in dating. Letting go of unhealthy emotional attachments will definitely help you move forward in a positive dating direction. Don’t let anyone hold you back from happiness because of something that you’ve been told or something you’ve read on “this is the way it’s supposed to be.” Live in the real world with real people, and try to form healthy emotional attachments with others who will reciprocate.
Be reassured ~ there is a happy ending that can be found at the end of the dating rainbow, but you have to really know yourself and be happy within before you can find it!
Top 6 Dating Habits of Men
With years of experience in the dating field, we certainly understand the dating habits of men. We talk to A LOT of men every day about love, dating and relationships. We assist them with their personal searches and we document all the feedback involving their progress – which offers us a wealth of information about their thoughts, feelings and dating habits.
We came up with this list with the hopes that it will enlighten women on men’s dating habits. So here is our Top Six Dating Habits of Men.
1. Men are not Mind Readers; They Like Transparency
Men are sick and tired of trying to read women’s minds, so convey your feelings to them. They fully admit that they aren’t great at picking up little hints/signals that women give off. They appreciate it when you let them know what you’re thinking and how you’re feeling. So SAY you are enjoying yourself if you truly are and TELL them you are interested in getting together again if you’d like to. Of course if you aren’t interested, then follow up and tell them. Don’t pull a disappearing act and just expect the guy to know what’s going on in your head; offer closure. Send him a reply that is short and to the point but offers kindness and diplomacy. While the decline might be tough to accept, in the long run he will appreciate your candidness so he can move on.
2. Men Quickly Loose Interest with Long Winded, Complicated Conversations
Women love to tell stories and a lot of time the stories include way too many details. Ladies – in order to keep your men’s attention, keep the stories short and on target. Don’t involve too many details that make the story impossible to keep up with. Engage him and ask his opinion on what is being discussed to keep the verbal banter flowing, otherwise you may begin to see his eyes glaze over and his interest gone.
3. Guys Are Visual
We hope you already know this. Men are obviously going to take note of your appearance and how you present yourself. Leave the business attire/pantsuit choices for work only and dress up for your date and wear something feminine. Might we suggest a dress or blouse/skirt ensemble for the first couple of dates? With all the feedback we receive, this is a must when it comes to attracting a man and keeping his interest.
4. Inside Every Man Lives an Inner Horn Dog
Yes, ladies, men are driven by their inner horn dog, so make a mental note. If you don’t believe us, ask any guy about this and you’ll see. Also, when it comes to sex, timing is everything. Whether it’s two drinks or ten dates, you both know when it’s time. However, if you chose to engage in “relations” too quickly, in the back of his mind he’s going to wonder how many times you’ve been this way with others and he’s not going to like it. Again, this is referencing back to our feedback data.
5. He Wants a Lady He Can be Proud of and Show off
Sure, he’ll happily see you and become romantically involved with you if that’s what you want, but ultimately a man wants to show off his woman to his friends, family and business associates ~ and be proud of her for everything that she represents.
6. Men Dread Valentine’s Day
Yes, ladies, the dreaded V-Day. Why do men hate this holiday so much? It all boils down to pressure. What are you expecting of him? What plans for the evening are anticipated? Gifts? Flowers? Jewelry? Lingerie? Ask any man what he thinks of the holiday and he’ll probably reply with a groan. So try to keep the day light hearted, arrange a fun activity, and just don’t put too much pressure on the poor guy.
Dating Over 40
Dating at any age requires time, energy and work, but dating after 40 can seem even more exhausting! When you are over 40, it seems that most of your social circles have now fragmented ~ your friends have either moved away or you have. Many are now married with family demands and kids; work colleagues may not be close enough for you to socialize outside the office with. So what do you do? Go to bars and social events solo? It is tough making new connections out in the social scene. We hear it all the time at Premier Match. Even I (Christie Nightingale) the owner, find it exhausting. I go out regularly to social events to network. It isn’t easy going up to strangers and initiating chit chat. So what can you do to get out there and meet people other than sit at home and surf online?
• Engage in activities you enjoy, not things you know others enjoy. If hanging out in bars brings you no joy, don’t go. Find a class or activity that you’d be glad to do alone and meet people who share your interest.
• Always be welcoming and approachable. No matter where you are, while you are in public, people surround you and some of these people might be single and interested. Smile at people, make eye contact, and be willing to spark up a conversation or carry one out with a person who starts one with you.
• Look the part. Be a person who carries themselves with pride and confidence. Dress as if you are taking care of yourself. No one wants to ask a person out who doesn’t value personal care. Go out well groomed and comfortably dressed in clothes that make you look and feel your best. You don’t have to step out of the house dressed to kill every day, but look in the mirror before you leave and ask yourself, “Would I date me?”
• When someone asks you out, say yes. Don’t run through a list of questions in your head or immediate retract and think or reasons to say no. Be open to at the very least making a new acquaintance. Your first date can be short and casual, so that if you aren’t enjoying their company or don’t feel comfortable, you know it will be over soon.
Marketing Yourself Online
In the business world, marketing is the art in which companies interact with, and cultivate relationships with customers. Target marketing is the process of pinpointing and identifying the specific audience your brand and company want to reach. The same approach is useful in the world of dating; marketing yourself when online dating is all about attracting the right people with the hopes of developing a relationship.
Here at Premier Match we often coach clients on how they should “market” themselves online. Here are just four tips that we would like to share with you that we feel will best help you when marketing yourself on dating websites:
1. Be Authentic – present the real you, meaning have a high quality profile picture that shows your entire face. Fill out your profile completely but without divulging too much personal information, and tell the truth!
2. Keep Your Profile Short & Sweet – Bear in mind that too wordy of a profile will cause someone to skim through it and possibly not read the key points that you are trying to share. Pare it down as best you can and only keep what is absolutely necessary.
3. Be Personable- pokes, winks, and too much too soon makes the experience cold. Use the dating site to communicate in complete sentences, not with winks or even texts. And, take your time.
* Attention Gentlemen seeking Women – Please note that women feel a lot more comfortable arranging a date with you when you’ve given them a bit of time to get to know you a little.
* Attention Ladies seeking Men- Please don’t try to find out everything that you can about a person via email before you decide to meet. If you’re interested, say so, and try to make it a point to meet the person after about 3-4 email exchanges to see how things go.
4. Cut your Losses – it happens, rejection, no sparks, no interest. No matter how much preparation you did, sometimes real-life relationships just don’t pan out. If that happens, be grateful for the experience, cut your losses and move on. Don’t let your fear, hurt, etc. get the best of you and cause you to lash out, speak poorly of, or act childish.
Dating With Confidence- Getting Back in the Game.
Romantic Couple Sitting On Park Bench Together
Because we are emotional beings, recovering from heartbreak is not just a matter of getting over the loss of a relationship or dealing with a rejection. We also have to do the work to rebuild our confidence, as we often internalize the end of a relationship or a rejection as a failure. Not only do we have to regain the courage to date or make ourselves available for dating, we have to choose to think and believe that we are worth dating and that just because our last relationship ended doesn’t mean the next one will end.
Confidence isn’t something anyone else can give you; it’s an internal positive belief about yourself. Therefore, when you’re ready to get back into the dating game, you must do so knowing what you bring to the table. Take note of what you have going for you, what you can offer a partner, and approach people and situations with your head held high. What you’ve been through or who broke up with you doesn’t define who you are as a person. Try out things you’ve always wanted to, but haven’t yet, take a new class, try a new sport, and be open to meeting new people.
While you’re changing your thinking and deciding to get your confidence back and get back into the dating game, be sure to take care of yourself. Find the things that make you happy, make you feel at peace, and make you feel good physically and do more of that. Exercise regularly and eat whole, nutritious foods. The better you feel, the more confident you will automatically be. Heartbreak is known to have negative physical effects on the body and emotions, so replenish what was lost and take good care of you.
Three Signs that the Guy that you’re Dating IS the Right Guy for You
After going on what seems like countless dates with individuals that turn out to not be appropriate partners, when you finally meet someone who is right, it is exciting and fabulous! Ladies – here are three signs that the new man you’re now dating is the right guy for you.
1. He makes you want to be a better person – The guy you’re dating enhances you in many ways; to be a better person and a better partner. The way he acts and carries himself makes you want to be kinder and more forgiving, and he motivates and empowers you to reach your goals and go after your dreams. He hasn’t tried to change you, but he wants the best for you and inspires you to grow.
2. He makes you a priority – As busy as we all are, we can make time for things that are at the top of our priorities. If the guy you’re dating puts you at the top of the list, before his other interests, hobbies, or friends, he is definitely showing signs that he is the guy for you. He makes sure that you and the relationship is attended to before entertaining anything else.
3. There’s mutual respect and trust – If the guy you’re dating respects what you say and what you think, and you respect him, you’ve got a keeper. If you find that you’re not detecting red flags or suspicious feelings and concerns, as well as distrust, he’s most likely all in.
A relationship with a guy who treats you well, who honors you, and with whom you trust, is a healthy relationship worth investing into. It’s easy to have feel skeptical that this relationship may be ‘too good to be true’ but look at the facts and listen to your heart; no person is perfect…. but your guy may be perfect for you!
Three Signs that the Guy You’re Dating isn’t the Guy for You
As fun and exciting as it can be to meet new people, and go on dates in search of the right guy, it can be exhausting when the prospects never seem to work out. Because dating can also be frustrating and tiresome, we can often knowingly or unknowingly settle for a person who isn’t the best choice for us. We often coach our women to check for a few tell tale signs about compatibility and if the guy you are dating may be (or may not be) the guy for you. This list consists of three signs where he may not be:
1. You aren’t yourself around him- If you find that in the presence of the guy you’re dating, you dress differently, talk differently, and don’t act the same in your everyday life around friends, family, and coworkers, ask yourself why. Has he made you feel like the way you are normally isn’t good enough? Has he made comments that make you feel he expects you to change? A guy who doesn’t accept you or wants you to change to fit his standards isn’t the guy for you.
2. He consumes your life- Does your new guy want to be the only person you hang out with? Does he allow you to hang with other people, but only if he goes too? There’s a line between affection/quality time and smothering you. If he doesn’t allow you space and time to be alone, or hang with friends, it’s time to let him and his needing and demanding ways go.
3. He’s never available- on the flip side of wanting to be with you all the time is never being available. If your guy can’t seem to find any time in his day to spend time with you, talk on the phone, or even text you back, he either isn’t that into you, or maybe there’s someone else he is more into. The two of you should be able to find a good balance of time spent together to have both of your needs met. If not, tell him goodbye, for good.