At Premier Match, one of the benefits of working with us is that we offer dating coaching and relationship counseling while arranging introductions. When we coach clients entering into relationships we keep a “Tips list” on what attributes are necessary to keep that loving relationship thriving.
Since this list is usually posted on our office cork board for our staff to share with clients during coaching sessions, we thought it would be helpful to share them with you and post them on our latest blog. Here is our tried and true list of Attributes of a Loving Relationship ~ Enjoy!
Act from the position of unconditional love.
Authentically share your feelings.
Be kind and considerate.
Honor the other person’s values.
Exercise a level of compromise.
Give the other person space to grow.
Be someone who encourages, like a cheerleader.
Be of peace and harmony.
Have a sense of humor.
Be tolerant when the other person falters in your eyes.
Forgive yourself and the other person when necessary.
State your truth tactfully.
Walk a mile in the other person’s shoes.
Be a good listener.
Teach by example.
Honor the other person’s spiritual values.
Know that another person can change only if they want to.
Base the relationship on the present, letting the past be a learning experience only.
Understand that a relationship is a journey of discovery.
Feel blessed that someone wants to do the dance with you.
You just started dating someone recently, and things were going strong, but lately, he has been distant. If you’re not ready to write him off just yet – here are a few strategic tactics to try.
Don’t be so Available – If he calls at 9 pm to ask if he can come over, don’t take the bait! Tell him you’re in for the night and let him schedule real plans later. Most women make themselves more accessible when they feel a guy fading away, but that only gives him a pass to treat you with less respect.
Continue to Remain Good Company – It’s easy to act annoyed when you don’t know where a person stands, but that only creates more distance. Instead, when you do see him, bring your A-game. He will start to question why he’s letting a woman so charming potentially slip away.
Make it Known you’re Doing Fun Things – There’s no harm in mentioning your cool plans; plans that do not include him. He’ll feel a little left out – and wonder who might be hitting on you when he’s not there. Keep him guessing…
Say you’re OK with Space between you – and Mean it! If his vibe is really getting to the point where you’ll need to have “a conversation” about his recent actions, mention something like this: “I’m feeling some confusion, which is fine, but I’m going to take some space, so I don’t get too close to someone who’s not sure what he wants.” This will give you some of your power back.
We always empathize with women when they experience this type of behavior. We try to coach and encourage them to stay strong and hold on to their self-worth. The last thing you want to turn into is the insecure and needy woman – for that type of behavior will surely ruin any chances of a relationship continuing!
Bear in mind, if he is showing obvious clues that he’s trying to “exit” the relationship, it’s best to acknowledge this, hold your head high and take action. You deserve to be with a man that desires you and wants to continue to spend time with you – not keep you in a state of confusion as to where it is going.
Mistake #1: – Believing That What Attracts Him to You is the Same Thing You Find Attractive in Him
You look great for your age. You’re educated. You make your own money. You’re smart, analytical, resilient, driven, ambitious, and independent. You know what you’re worth and, after a few bad experiences, you’ve vowed never to compromise to be with anyone who isn’t up to par.
Yet every once in a blue moon, you meet a man who makes the cut.
Your attraction is strong. Your connection is real. Your chemistry is white hot.
You dive into a relationship … and he breaks up with you a few months later.
Next thing you know, he’s involved with another woman who isn’t nearly as attractive, successful, or impressive as you are. And you scratch your head and wonder what head injury this man has suffered to choose such a woman.
Why would he give you up for her? It’s completely confusing… unless you understand men. Then, it makes perfect sense:
What you’re looking for in a man is NOT what he’s looking for in a woman.
He doesn’t care if you’re smarter than he is.
He doesn’t care what you do for a living or if you have a healthy bank account.
He doesn’t care if you’re cultured and well-traveled and sophisticated about the finer things.
Thus, your strongest traits – your intelligence, your success, your independence, your drive – don’t matter as much to him. He wants what hecan’tget from his male
A man wants a woman who makes him feel good, who makes him feel loved and secure. He wants someone who makes him feel sexy and trusted.
Regardless of what you do for a living, how successful you are, or even how beautiful you are, if you don’t consistently make him feel good when he’s with you, he’s going to disappear and find a woman who does.
Mistake #2: – You’re Being Too Proactive
Men win you over by giving to you. We ask you out. We call you. We pay for dates. We initiate sex. We ask for commitment. We propose marriage. We give. You receive. Reverse this order by asking him out, initiating sex, asking for commitment, or proposing marriage, and a masculine guy will feel, well, emasculated. Thus, if you want a masculine guy, your greatest move is to embrace your passive feminine side.
You may hate the word passive. You may think it sounds like a 1950’s housewife, or a helpless woman who can’t do anything for herself.
Being passive doesn’t mean that youcan’tdo anything proactive. It means thatyou’re choosing not to doanything proactive, because being proactive during courtship is ineffective in making a man feel attracted to you.
Here are a few common examples of being proactive:
You have a great date, you email him the next day to say you had a lot of fun.
You haven’t heard from him all weekend, you text him to make sure he’s doing okay.
You want to see him next week, you tell him his favorite band is playing downtown and you can get tickets.
You’re confused about where your relationship stands, you ask him where things are headed.
You think you’re being real; he thinks you’re acting clingy. Understand, the man of your dreams doesn’t NEED to be pushed to be your boyfriend.
The disconnect is this: You want men to actively pursue you. But most men do not want to be actively pursued. The only guys who do are really shy, really insecure, or really clueless about women. Most men will value you more if they have to win you over. That’s what guys mean about a “challenge”. So step away from “The Rules,” which tell you to refuse to return his calls or act like you’re busy when you’re not. All I´m asking you to do is embrace your receptive feminine energy.
Continue to push men for dates, commitment or clarity, and watch them run away.
Mistake #3: You Worry Too Much About Getting Hurt Again
You’ve probably been hurt by guys in the past.
One boyfriend may have cheated on you. Another may have dated you for three years but didn’t want to get married. Another might have been a friends-with-benefits guy who never wanted a relationship with you.
And because you’ve had these life experiences, you’re determined to learn from them. You tell yourself that you’re never going to find yourself inthatposition again. So you become vigilant. You look for the signs. You seek “red flags” and instantly dismiss a man you even SUSPECT is going to be a player, a commitment phobe or a wishy-washy loser.
You ask him probing questions on the first date, looking for chinks in his armor.
You make it perfectly clear about what you will or won’t tolerate up front.
You ask where your relationship is going after the third date.
Then you wonder why he disappeared.
Here’s the deal:
Men are not heartbreakers looking for our next victim. It is never our goal to hurt you at any point in time. Like you, we’re not sure what will make us happy. All we know is that we’ll know it when we see it.
But you’ve gotta give us the chance to reveal ourselves over time.
Push your boyfriend to know where things are going too soon and you’ll quickly find that they’re not going anywhere at all.
How can you learn about a man and protect yourself without scaring him away?
Fortunately, it’s not that hard to show you how to make different choices in your love life – choices that lead to more nurturing, stable, meaningful relationships without compromising your needs or risking that a good man will disappear on you.
When dating, try to seek out someone that makes you feel really great, but will also make you a better person. The individual you choose should enhance your life and make you feel really good about yourself. They should fascinate you, amaze you, and of course make you feel very, very happy! Here are some other characteristics to identify that perfect “catch.”
1). Date someone who is captivating and who oozes confidence; someone whom you find irresistibly sexy and have incredible chemistry with.
2). Date someone who is curious about life; someone who pushes their limits and yours! Pick a person who is intellectually stimulating – someone who has a variety of interests and is always yearning to grow. Let them encourage you to step outside of your comfort zone and experience new places and new things.
3). Date someone who believes in living life to the fullest, but can also be happy taking advantage of all of life’s simple pleasures as well. They can morph and adapt to any situation and make it a positive experience.
4). Since we know laughter can be one of the best remedies to cure a bad mood, it can also serve as one of the best aphrodisiacs! Choose a partner who can make you laugh, someone who can look at the comedic side of life and is always finding the “positive” in every situation.
5). Date someone who is passionate in a romantic way but also is passionate about their ambitions, their careers, family, charities, etc. Their zest for life should be intense and they should be exciting to be around.
6). Date someone who is drama free. Your relationship shouldn’t be an emotional rollercoaster. They should be reliable and dependable, and not play games.
7). Be with a partner who isn’t afraid to be unusual. Maybe he/she has a bit of an “edge” or is more of a creative type. If they’re not the usual type you are attracted to, explore this. For his/her uniqueness is what makes them special and they could be a really great person for you to be with.
8). Be with someone who you feel can be your best friend. You should be able to talk honestly with them about anything. They should listen to you with kindness and concern and be able to offer candid advice when needed. The relationship should just “flow” and be easy. You want to be yourself and let your guard down.
Overall, fall in love with someone who exhilarates you and makes you be the best version of yourself. Don’t settle for second best! You deserve to be with someone who is exceptional, because YOU are exceptional!
Five Things You Should Be Looking for by the Fifth Date
Is this fledgling relationship worth pursuing?
You’ve met someone pretty special. You’ve gone out with them more than a few times now. You’ve just completed your fourth date and are looking forward to the fifth. So how are things going? Does it appear that things are taking hold? By now you should have a pretty good idea if the fledgling relationship is worth pursuing.
Naturally you’ve been searching for red flags along the way. But if you haven’t really discovered any and the relationship seems quite promising – than bravo!… there is hope that this one might take hold! Let’s review what has gone on so far, and hone in on some of the qualities and traits you should be looking for in a relationship that will stick.
1). You feel comfortable being yourself around him/her:
In the first couple of dates, you will naturally put your best self forward and try to minimize the exposure of your shortcomings. However, this requires a lot of energy, and eventually you’ll want to let your guard down so you can start to get to know each other properly. By the fifth date, you should be able to acknowledge whether or not you feel comfortable around them and if they make you feel good about yourself. There shouldn’t be any feelings of anxiety or insecurity at this point. If you do experience uncomfortable feelings, try to figure out why.
2). The conversation has progressed to the next level:
In the first couple of dates, the conversations tend to follow a safe and predictable script. “What do you do?” “Where have you traveled?” and so forth. However, by the end of the fourth date you should be well past this basic small talk and the conversations should be flowing in a more natural, unscripted fashion. If this hasn’t happened then it may become awkward and perhaps the reality is you may not have as much in common as you should with this person in order to proceed.
3). They show humility and compassion:
One of the most important things that a partner should possess is humility and compassion. You want to make sure you are with someone who is able to open up and be frank about themselves and admit to some of their own flaws and shortcomings. Do you sense some humility in this person? Pay attention to what is being said. If they are brash, or come across as arrogant and disrespectful, it might be a good idea to consider moving on.
4). Your interests are in check:
By now you should have an understanding of what your potential partner is into and what they do with their spare time. While you shouldn’t expect to share every interest in common, you should have at least a couple of shared interests that you both enjoy. These interests will be important later to sustain the relationship, so make sure that you can identify a few. They can be any interest ~ from sports and fitness to travel to cooking to the type of movies or music you like.
5). There are shared values and common goals:
You will find it much easier to date and find a partner if you know what your values are and you know what values you are looking for. Are you both on the same page here? As long as you pay attention to what is mentioned in passing and in casual conversation, you should be able to tell whether this person is at least potentially compatible in terms of values. If they are blatantly incompatible in this regard then you may need to think again. You can handle different values while the infatuation period continues, but once those rose-tinted glasses come off then this will become an issue that will be way more important as time goes on.
It’s that time of year again when we are celebrating the holidays. But when you’re presently dating someone new, or the relationship is just starting to take hold, how do you handle certain issues when it comes to gifts, family, etc.? At Premier Match we are often coaching clients on these “dilemmas” and would like to share a few of them with you, along with a few resolutions on how to make the holidays the best they can be with your new love.
So, how do you handle:
With holiday dating, the issue of whether or not to exchange gifts can be confusing. If you’re dating casually, you shouldn’t feel obligated to give a gift just because it’s the holidays. However, if you feel you would like to give your date something thoughtful, keep it inexpensive but something they would appreciate. It’s good to pay attention to what s/he likes so that they will know you care and that you put some thought into your gift: perhaps a book on a special topic that was discussed or a bottle of scotch that was tasted and enjoyed. Another great gift idea is pre-arranging a future date together– whether it be tickets to a play or ball game or an evening of skating in the park. Remember, certain gifts are going to imply certain intentions. Giving your gal lingerie will certainly hint at the idea that you’re looking for a more sexual relationship, which may be great or awkward. Be careful about splurging for gifts dealing with grooming or exercise as they may backfire and cause your date to believe that you are dissatisfied with the way they look and want to change them.
When contemplating inviting a date to a family gathering, first consider whether an extra guest is welcome. Is there room at the dinner table and will your family feel comfortable with a virtual stranger joining them? The nature of the gathering can also determine the appropriateness of inviting someone special. If it’s a cocktail party with extended family and close friends, then a date will be appropriate. However, if it’s an intimate gift exchange amongst siblings then perhaps inviting your friend later would be a better bet. Consider your date’s feelings too. Will s/he feel comfortable with off-key family Christmas caroling or being asked by your nosy aunt when you two will be getting married because you “look so adorable together.”
The Office Party
With dinner, drinks, and dancing, why not bring along someone to share in the fun? Having a date can also prevent a potentially embarrassing interoffice hook-up. However, turning an office party into an opportunity for holiday dating presents a few concerns similar to family gatherings. Are dates welcome at the event? If your company is budget-conscious, they may not allow dates to come. Will your date enjoy spending time with your co-workers? Since you’re the only one s/he knows, it’s especially important to make sure you don’t abandon your date during the evening.
If you’re seeing someone that has a different religious belief, holiday dating can highlight conflicts in your spiritual thought process/beliefs. The key to avoiding problems is to be open and honest about your comfort level at all times. Don’t feel obligated to go to your date’s house of worship if you feel uncomfortable partaking in the religious rituals. As long as you are open and communicate your concerns you both can have a better time getting through the holiday season. It may also allow you the opportunity to see if you are both compatible in this area and if your relationship has the potential to last.
Work, Work and More Work
If you find that the case you are working on or the budget deal is cutting into your personal life, hopefully you can steal away and attend at least one gathering that will be meaningful this holiday season. A lot of busy professionals find themselves working against the clock to finish projects before the clock strikes twelve on New Year’s and we are now into another tax year. Try to pace it, get your sleep but find some balance between work and play–it’s important for your mental sanity as well as your emotional well-being.
Often times, our body language speaks louder than our words when dating. That is why you should pay close attention to the signals you’re picking up from your date as well as the actions you are consciously and unconsciously giving out.
Did you know that the most effective flirting techniques are happening through body language? It’s been proven that about 55 % of flirting is done through body language, while only 38% is through the inflection of voice, and 7 percent through words. Isn’t that interesting?
Nonverbal signals are part of communication, and they are accompanied by spoken words or not; it’s just simple human interaction that we have with others when we’re communicating.
So the next time you’re out on a date, try to pay attention to how you’re feeling and what you’re thinking ~ and try to notice what the other person’s body language reveals about their thoughts and intentions towards you.
Here are some good body language techniques that we would encourage while on a date:
Good Body Language on Dates
• Be comfortable and natural in your posture and position • Make sure your attention is focused on your date – and not everywhere else • Mirror the other person (Demonstrate that you are getting along and feeling a connection) • Listen attentively to what they say (sometimes their over sharing & lack of filters actually will tell you more about what you need to know about them) • Be respectful with any touching
And here are some of the positive as well as the negative body language indicators between women and men that you can identify with while dating:
Positive Body Language Indicators
• It’s all in the eyes, the way she looks at you speaks volumes (look for desire, longing, enticement, interest). • Her hands are doing something to bring attention to her such as playing with her hair, massaging her neck. • She’ll be tilting her head to show she’s listening attentively. • She’ll be seated comfortably with good posture – with head, torso and feet all facing you. • She’ll continuously cross and uncross her legs – see if her feet point inward towards you. • She’ll be smiling & laughing with you and emulating positive energy. • Do you notice flared nostrils? In the right context this may be a signal that she is ready and willing to get physical with you and sign she may want to be kissed.
Men • He shows great posture, and his position is open without arms crossed. • He’ll show good eye contact and isn’t distracted by people or other sources around you. • He will open his eyes wider, and raise his eyebrows with animation. • He will inch closer and closer to you, proximity increases intimacy and shows he’s really into you. • He will gently touch your hands, arm, or back. • He’ll be smiling & laughing with you.
Have you ever started dating someone and became so totally enamored with that individual that it resulted in a very unhealthy relationship? Your behavior became obsessive which caused your relationship to crash and burn? Well, some single people suffer from unhealthy emotional attachments in relationships. They can’t understand why they continually end up alone and frustrated. At Premier Match we have coached clients on their dating behavior and have explored previous relationship histories. Through our counsel we were able to identify unhealthy dating patterns and offer guidance in order to achieve loving and lasting relationships.
For this blog, we wanted to share some of the common patterns we’ve documented, and then share some tips on how to break free from unhealthy emotional attachments while dating.
Recognizing the Patterns
According to psychologists, it’s very important to be able to recognize unhealthy emotional attachments. But what are some of the behaviors/patterns? Some may appear more obvious than others. Here are the Top Four. Do any of these seem familiar to you?
Experiencing Constant Whirlwind Romances. What this looks like is the inability to discern appropriate boundaries….it is identified as the “whirlwind romance.” Is this a common occurrence for you? Do you jump into a relationships really fast and become too close too soon? Are you in perpetual relationship cycles? Unfortunately because you don’t know the other party on a deeper level, these are shallow relationships and tend to end just as fast as they began.
Becoming Clingy and Desperate to find someone who “Completes You.”This is also shallow but also adds an element of delusion to the mix. You meet someone and will do anything to make it work, even though it doesn’t feel right and the interest is not being reciprocated. You become “clingy,” and try to fill a gap with anyone in order to fulfill your “other half.” Unfortunately the problem here is that you’re putting too much emphasis on the other person which isn’t healthy. No one can “complete you” if you’re not able to live a fulfilled life on your own.
Someone is Giving you Attention – They must be Your Forever Soul Mate. Wow, someone paid you some attention, offered you compliments and said all the right things. They must be The One if they’re so romantic and they’re already talking about a future together, right? Wrong! We all know about looking for love in all the wrong places and with all the wrong people. Well, it happens more than we’d like to admit and it’s unfortunate that there are people out there that will unfairly lead you on very quickly and say all the things you want to hear. Pay attention to the situation and see it for what it is. If you know yourself you can stay strong and not get sucked into short lived romantic fantasies, because people that act this way towards you usually do not stick around long.
Power is what you’re Attracted to…Not the Person. This one is very real as well. It’s about being attracted to wealthy people in positions of power and influence. Power can act like an aphrodisiac. It can cause a person to get caught up in all the flash and glory of what money can buy. The lavish lifestyle, the galas, the jets, rubbing elbows with celebrities. All great fun – but what about the relationship itself and the person you’re with? Are you receiving genuine love and affection? Are you being respected and treated kindly, aside from enjoying all the monetary indulgences? Pay attention to this. Focus on the person you are with as a human being and see them for who they really are. Because after a while (when the champagne bubbles clear), you may begin to feel empty inside, lonely and miss the intimacy of true love. The realm of reality with this relationship may unfortunately lead to more delusion and hurt.
How to Let Go of these Patterns
So after reading through some of the patterns above, can you relate to one or a few of them? If so, maybe writing down some of your past experiences and reflecting on them will shed more light on a general pattern that has developed. In addition, try to honestly answer these questions below:
Do you always date the same types of people over and over again? Ask yourself why.
Do you always encounter dating disasters? Or experience relationships that seem strange and end in crazy ways? Who (or what) is the common denominator here?
Might YOU be the problem here?
Overall, we have to acknowledge that we are all responsible for our own actions; no one else is to blame. You can choose to be happy or chose to be a victim in dating. Letting go of unhealthy emotional attachments will definitely help you move forward in a positive dating direction. Don’t let anyone hold you back from happiness because of something that you’ve been told or something you’ve read on “this is the way it’s supposed to be.” Live in the real world with real people, and try to form healthy emotional attachments with others who will reciprocate.
Be reassured ~ there is a happy ending that can be found at the end of the dating rainbow, but you have to really know yourself and be happy within before you can find it!
With years of experience in the dating field, we certainly understand the dating habits of men. We talk to A LOT of men every day about love, dating and relationships. We assist them with their personal searches and we document all the feedback involving their progress – which offers us a wealth of information about their thoughts, feelings and dating habits.
We came up with this list with the hopes that it will enlighten women on men’s dating habits. So here is our Top Six Dating Habits of Men.
1. Men are not Mind Readers; They Like Transparency
Men are sick and tired of trying to read women’s minds, so convey your feelings to them. They fully admit that they aren’t great at picking up little hints/signals that women give off. They appreciate it when you let them know what you’re thinking and how you’re feeling. So SAY you are enjoying yourself if you truly are and TELL them you are interested in getting together again if you’d like to. Of course if you aren’t interested, then follow up and tell them. Don’t pull a disappearing act and just expect the guy to know what’s going on in your head; offer closure. Send him a reply that is short and to the point but offers kindness and diplomacy. While the decline might be tough to accept, in the long run he will appreciate your candidness so he can move on.
2. Men Quickly Loose Interest with Long Winded, Complicated Conversations
Women love to tell stories and a lot of time the stories include way too many details. Ladies – in order to keep your men’s attention, keep the stories short and on target. Don’t involve too many details that make the story impossible to keep up with. Engage him and ask his opinion on what is being discussed to keep the verbal banter flowing, otherwise you may begin to see his eyes glaze over and his interest gone.
3. Guys Are Visual
We hope you already know this. Men are obviously going to take note of your appearance and how you present yourself. Leave the business attire/pantsuit choices for work only and dress up for your date and wear something feminine. Might we suggest a dress or blouse/skirt ensemble for the first couple of dates? With all the feedback we receive, this is a must when it comes to attracting a man and keeping his interest.
4. Inside Every Man Lives an Inner Horn Dog
Yes, ladies, men are driven by their inner horn dog, so make a mental note. If you don’t believe us, ask any guy about this and you’ll see. Also, when it comes to sex, timing is everything. Whether it’s two drinks or ten dates, you both know when it’s time. However, if you chose to engage in “relations” too quickly, in the back of his mind he’s going to wonder how many times you’ve been this way with others and he’s not going to like it. Again, this is referencing back to our feedback data.
5. He Wants a Lady He Can be Proud of and Show off
Sure, he’ll happily see you and become romantically involved with you if that’s what you want, but ultimately a man wants to show off his woman to his friends, family and business associates ~ and be proud of her for everything that she represents.
6. Men Dread Valentine’s Day
Yes, ladies, the dreaded V-Day. Why do men hate this holiday so much? It all boils down to pressure. What are you expecting of him? What plans for the evening are anticipated? Gifts? Flowers? Jewelry? Lingerie? Ask any man what he thinks of the holiday and he’ll probably reply with a groan. So try to keep the day light hearted, arrange a fun activity, and just don’t put too much pressure on the poor guy.
When the term “soul mate” is mentioned, most people have one of two reactions; they either roll their eyes in contempt about the whole idea, or they smile and fill up with warm and fuzzy feelings. For years it seems that most people have bought into the soul mate concept ~ the notion that there is one true love out there that will sweep them away, a prince/princess that is perfect in every way, a fantasy relationship that will evolve into a fairy tale wedding which will then begin a life’s journey of happily ever after.
However, realistically if you’ve been through a series of relationships, dating, marriage, or otherwise, you probably feel that a soul mate is simply a term that should not be tossed around so lightly.
Over the years, most adults who previously subscribed to the soul mate idea have come to understand that they are the common denominator. So, if you are the person who has gone through soul mate after soul mate, you might need to examine what it is that you expect from a relationship and wake up to a new reality!
Let’s examine this: What is the story you’ve been telling yourself? That Mr. or Ms. Right will come along and check all the right boxes of your criteria and be a perfect fit? Maybe a good idea would be to try and change your thoughts and switch your perspective to one that acknowledges that a true mate is a person who stretches you, who challenges you, who causes you to want to be and do more. A true mate is a person who will love you unconditionally; not just a lover who will stick by you during you successes, but will also be there to support you when you fail. A true soul mate is a person who sees you for who you are, and will hang in there for the long run.
Of course, your part and contribution is also to be loving and supporting; be a soul mate in return.